You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
