Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
