God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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