My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
