Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
