next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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