Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
