are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
