I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
