It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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