Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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