I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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