My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
