I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
