god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
