what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
accomplished twins. life is a go
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
