My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
