the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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