what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
