I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
