Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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