Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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