happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
please come you make the beer taste better
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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