I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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