all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
