Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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