All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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