she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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