Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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