i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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