Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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