Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you had me at cake vodka
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
