Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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