your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
