Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
