the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
