I need to stop coming to work sober
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
