Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
