Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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