i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
