had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
