My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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