Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
