and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
