So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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