toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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