I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
