when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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