My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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