at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
