saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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