i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
